The truth about my heart.

The truth is simple: My heart is greedy.

As I walked home from work tonight, I was trying to figure out why I was so insanely stressed.  Work itself had been crazy, because we're a bit short staffed right now and the afternoon had gotten busy while I was the only one working, but that's happened before.  You just shake it off.

Or not.  I was still stressed about work as I headed home, stressed about this summer, stressed about going to China.  So I was thinking about why.

Here was the rhythm of my heart:  I want... I want... I want...

I want more weeks in the the US.  I want to know that I will have enough time with my friends here, with my family.  I want to not feel rushed in preparations.  I want more Sundays hanging out with the Powells and more walks to Crumble in the the changing seasons and more movie nights with the Tautology Club.  I want to know... I want plans... I want...

Going to China is, in some ways, a kind of death.  Or that's what it feels like.  An intrusion into the plans that I would make for myself.  Into the life that is comfortable and normal for me.

It was as simple and plain as that.  It's easy enough for me to think of facing death some day with courage, knowing that what waits on the other side is better than what I have now.  But I think the truth is that my heart would respond the same way as it's feeling right now about China -- not with abject fear, but with grumbling discontent, wanting more of what it knows.

So pray for me.  Pray that God would use the coming months to teach my heart how to be less greedy and more content, more trusting in the goodness of His plans.


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